idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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