I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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