I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
