Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
