It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
