Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
