im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
