Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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