3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
