the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
