I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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