last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
