dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Bang-toberfest begins!!
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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