Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
