my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
