the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
