i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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