Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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