So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
