I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
