New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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