you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
