you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
