I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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