I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
