Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I need moral support for this bender
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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