girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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