the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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