I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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