Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
