I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
