I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
