he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
