so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So many bounce houses so little time
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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