I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
