So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
