Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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