I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
