would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
