It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
