laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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