Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
