Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
