If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
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It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Found the puke drawer
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
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I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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