So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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