I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
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I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
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Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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