i think my mom watched the whole time
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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