i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the condom got lost in my hair
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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