tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
