if you like me you must not know who I am
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
