In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
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I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
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I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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