yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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