Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
